


to drown is to live

by saveourtiredhearts



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Panic Attack, Steve Needs a Hug, he always does, i basically exclusively write about sad steve, poor steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 08:01:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5531870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saveourtiredhearts/pseuds/saveourtiredhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has a thing about bodies of water, no matter the size. He hasn't been actively avoiding telling his teammates about it, he just--hasn't told them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to drown is to live

Steve doesn’t like the new pool that Tony had specifically installed so that the team would have a place to swim together, but of course, he would never tell Tony that. Instead, he sits by it when it’s hot out and everyone has decided unanimously that the only way to get cool is to get wet. He reads, or fills out reports, or “surfs” the Internet on the fancy StarkPad that Tony gave him.

“I gotta read about everything that happened while I was asleep before I’m an old man,” he’ll joke. One of the others (usually Tony) will reply with some version of “You’re already an old man, Capsicle.”

Funny, he doesn’t feel like it.

He doesn’t take baths either. The minute the water is over his ankles, he’s done for. It’s too much like--too much like--well, he thought the moment that screwed up his life the most was when Bucky fell from the train. If it turns out he has two moments that really screwed him up, it’s not like he has to tell anyone, right? Steve doesn’t know if the rest of the Avengers have noticed yet. It’s not like he’s tried to conceal it, but--he’s Captain America. And Captain America is fearless.

It's a hot summer day when it happens, and really, Steve should've seen it coming. You can only keep things hidden for so long in the Avengers tower, if you're not a super-spy like Natasha. He’s leaning over to share a joke with Clint, who's hanging onto the side of the pool with only one arm, using the other to gesture wildly as he finishes the punch line. He’s wearing purple bathing shorts, and isn't it funny that that's the first thing Steve’s mind latches onto when someone pushes him from behind?

 _Purple bathing shorts_ , his mind sings tauntingly as he capitulates over Clint, hitting the water and sinking down. _He's sinking, he's falling, he's going to be stuck here forever and ever, he can feel the water filling his lungs and it's warm but it's ice, it's ice cold and it's freezing his lungs, almost like asthma all over again, oh my god he’s going to die, oh Bucky, I’m dying--_

 _“_ Cap!” someone shouts, and all of a sudden he can feel himself being pulled out of the water, but there’s no relief, because his mind is saying _What time are you waking up in now? How many years has it been?_

He’s coughing, choking, can feel rough material against his back, someone's hands on his chest. He's soaked, he can feel the sun, but he’s still as cold as the waters of the Atlantic.

“What--” Steve tries, and coughs again, spitting out more water. “What year--”

There's a pause in the murmuring of voices around him.

“It’s 2015, Steve,” and that's Tony’s voice. “It's August 25th, 2015, and it's been five minutes, you're still here. You're still with us. Why don't you open your eyes for us, huh?”

He opens his eyes to see the faces of his teammates staring down at him worriedly. “Sorry,” he rasps. “Not a big fan of any sized body of water these days.”

“No kidding,” mumbles Bruce. He feels Steve’s forehead, then places a hand on his chest as he struggles to sit up. “No, nope. Stay there for a second.” Steve doesn't have the strength to resist. He's embarrassed to be caught out, embarrassed that Captain America showed weakness in front of his team. He's Captain America, he shouldn't have--

“Not a huge fan of it myself, actually,” Tony says, and Steve has to think for a moment before remembering Tony was captured in Afghanistan. “They--they waterboarded me. Couldn't take a shower for months.” There’s a pause. “Pepper helped.” Another pause. “We’ll help.”

Steve smiles at this, sits up. No one stops him this time. “Yeah,” he says softly. “I know you will.”

“I'm sorry for pushing you, brother Rogers,” says Thor seriously, a frown encompassing his features.

“It's okay Thor,” Steve smiles, “You didn't know.”

“I should've-” Thor starts, but Steve shakes his head. He's feeling a bit better. His team was worried, but they don't appear to be seeing this as a weakness, a fault. He smiles at that, rolls his shoulders back, face his teammates--his  _friends._

“You know what’ll make me feel better?” asks Steve, taking in Thor’s bathing suit. “If I got to push you in.”

And the whole team cheers as Thor graciously allows Steve to topple him into the water. Everything's not better, but there's a chance it will be.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on tumblr!


End file.
